Saturday, December 10, 2011

Confessions of a Christmas Crackhead

I luh huh huh huh huv love Christmas. I will pay lip service to the "isn't it terrible that Walgreens has their Christmas display up in October" lament that everyone else engages in, but secretly, little joy bubbles start coursing through my blood stream.

My hot and heavy love affair with Christmas has been going on ever since I was a little girl. I remember sitting in our darkened living room next to the fully lit Christmas tree. At one point, we had lights for the tree that not only played Christmas carols, but BLINKED ON AND OFF IN TIME TO THE MUSIC. I LACK THE VOCABULARY FOR HOW AWESOME THIS WAS.

Here is my list of what I love about Christmas, no particular order. This is not exhaustive, by any means.

1) Hustle

2) Bustle

3) The line to see Santa at the mall. Particularly since I don't have to stand in
this line. My favorite type of kid are babies who haven't hit the "terrified of
Santa" phase. You can see them go through the mental Rolodex before settling on
"I have no idea who the hell this is".

4) That house on your block. You know the one I mean. The one covered in lights, with an animatronic Frosty the Snowman bringing myrrh to the Baby Jesus while a fully lit up Santa will all the reindeer sits perched on the roof. Mariah Carey's "All I Want For Christmas" blares from a speaker that's hidden on under the manger. I will troll this house like I'm thirteen and Justin Bieber lives there.

5) Food. People basically wander the streets offering you chocolate at Christmas. Awesome.

6) The Opryland Hotel. If you live anywhere near Nashville, TN, you must visit the Opryland Hotel at Christmas. The Opryland is eleventy million square feet, and all of it gets pimped out for Christmas. They also have the most obscene Christmas brunch ever conceived by man (see "Food").

7) Christmas Carols. Typically Christian music makes me twitchy, but I love high octane Jesusy carols. "O Holy Night", sung by belters. Josh Groban, Celine Dion, Martina McBride. "Faalllll on your kneeees" must be sung with the proper amount of badassery.

8) The Charlie Brown Christmas special. Linus shows how to articulate the Christian meaning behind the holiday without being a sneering, "don't say Happy Holidays!" asshole.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go turn on my Christmas tree and stare at it for the next three hours. (Squee!)

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